If like me you're concerned about the increasing population in the world then I don't need to tell you that by the year 2030 there will be another 2 billion people on earth. Now, I don't know where they are all going to go, but I have spent enough time in Japan to tell you that many people in one area makes for dour mugs on the early morning train commute and depressing scenes on the weekends when three hundred children vie for a stamp-sized piece of land calling itself a park. That's why I have gotten in early on a a piece of land in the depths of rural Thailand. Not only did I grab a whooping 1600 square meters, but you'll also notice the lack of neighbors. I plan to build a very big wall around the property and with whatever monies are left over I will construct a shelter of some sort. 2030 is about when I'll be thinking of retirement and I share the dream of all Gardners to live very far from thee neighbor. In the past Gardners have gone to such locales as Iceland, Greenland, New Hampshire and Montana to enjoy our special, misanthropic way of life, but urban sprawl and rich people from the cities building second houses have incurred on our lifestyle. Sadly, I think the Gardner way will succumb to the forces of globalization, but that won't stop my from participating in our centuries old tradition.

A friend in need (of a beer) is a friend indeed.

One of my best mate's, Daniel Pratt - a prodigious ale consumer and Yorkshireman rolled up in one, is threatening to come to Thailand. Now, this is not the first time a friend has told me that he/she was planning a visit, but I suspect from the number of emails he has sent me on the matter that he may actually be serious about it. This would be a great chance for me to practice my English conversation skills on a native speaker of the language as well as engage in the time honored tradition of bemoaning all things great and small over a fine Thai lager like, say, Heineken. To protect the identity of all concerned parties I have simply posted a picture of a glass of beer above. Most likely, if you met Mr. Pratt, you would find one of these obscuring his face anyway, so it is indeed a veritable mugshot.

Ma and Pok eat into their winnings.

Ma Song has won the lottery. I know you think I am taking the Mickey here, but I swear on my lucky, gold-enameled Buddha pendant it is true. I have dispatched Asian Alien field correspondent Nigel P. Witherspoon III to the village of Nong Sao to get the full story.

(camera pulls back from gaunt, pasty Englishman to reveal a small Isaan style dwelling. chicken sounds are distantly audible on the boom mike.)

Yes, very well then, this is Nigel P. Witherspoon the III reporting. I am here with Mrs. Jomthong. Mrs. Jomthong, if you will permit me to be so bold,what is the precise amount of your winnings?

1000 baht - Thai baht.

Right, Thai baht, yes, very well. And I should add for our readers residing in nations whose currency is not the afore mentioned 'Thai' baht, that the approximate value of one thousand 'Thai' baht is 13.379 Pounds British. Furthermore, those for whom the British Pound is not a money whose value is readily recognizable, well, you should have consider your allegiances while you had the chance. Right, moving along. Mrs. Jomthong, how do you plan to spend such a gigantesque sum of money, not all at once I should hope?

Well, I was able to visit my daughter and son-in-law for the second time in the week. Also I went to a local temple and made a donation. I might buy fresh fruit. I was thinking of going to an all-you-can eat restaurant. But my daughter assures me we can bilk that out of her husband at some later date.

Oh, very good, bilking, I should like to do some of that myself. They have me on an absolute pittance here, and I am from Sussex-on-Avonshire Trent. Are you familiar with East Anglia? A lovely place, really, lovely. But I digress. One last query, if you permit, if you were to approximate the total sum of monies you have spent over the years playing the lottery, would this winning put you now ahead of the proverbial 'game'?

Oh no, this is only about twenty five dollars US. Over the years I may well have dumped a thousand dollars into this lottery, not to mention other games of chance.

Oh, well, yes, with financial skills such as yours I cannot envision such a windfall be squandered, well not in the next twenty-four hours anyway. So, there we have it. A touch of serendipity befalls a humble villager from Nong Sao. Well, that's all for now. Reporting for Asian Alien, this has been Nigel P. Witherspoon the Third. Cheerio.

(camera cuts out several seconds later whilst Nigel vigorously brushes at his pant cuff in a vain effort to remove what appears to be chicken droppings)

No, really I insist - sleep on the floor.

For those of you whose free time is so inconsequential that you waste it tuning in to my musings, you may ask yourself, What has become of Ma Song? If you are a frequent follower, you will realize that my mother-in-law has been involved in more than her fair share of hijinks, often involving spitting or littering, that end up as fodder for my entries. You won’t have to scroll to far back to be reminded that only recently Ma had several health issues that concerned us deeply. If you were at all worried about her recovery – never fear; she has regained her sprightly spirit and is once again the bane of my existence. So where is she? you ask – why camped out on the floor of my living room as I write this! I mean, I know she must be in decent health if she was able to negotiate the several forms of public transport and a kilometer walk to make it from Nong Sao to our house in Khon Kaen, and all this without a phone call. Surely she must have been confident in her physical condition if she didn’t even bother to let us know she was coming so we could pick her up from the bus station. Really, I appreciate her not wanting to put us out or burden us, but it might have been nice to know she was coming in advance. You see, we might have been out or we might have been naked or we might just have not been in the mood for a visit, but hell we’re family, right?
One thing I’ll say about Ma Song is that the lady is hard as nails when it comes to sleeping. We have a decent sofa that folds into a bed, though often she prefers the firm support that can only be offered by a stone-tiled floor and will spend the night with only a thin carpet between her and our masonry. Even in her palatial estate in Nong Sao, she always gives me and the missus her bed and sleeps on the wooden floor with only a pillow as means of support. Sometimes I feel guilty about this, but then again we never show up unannounced...

You saw the sign. Beware of me!

I have received official word from Nova about my reemployment. They have officially and ambiguously stated that they are not hiring in Japan, but would consider extending me an interview. If you are confused by this, how do you think I feel? I am still trying to clarify what is meant by their response. There has been some speculation from people on the inside that the Japan based personnel offices don’t like hiring (may cut into their coffee breaks) and hence hang the “Beware of Dog” sign emblazoned with the image of a German Shepard, where in fact there is only a poodle on the property. A corroborating piece of evidence is the fact that they tried to pawn me off onto one of the overseas recruiting offices suggesting that might be a better option. Another ironic addition to the tale is that the attrition rate is running quite high and teachers are going unreplaced.

Did my monthly thirty second visit to Laos today. Only stopped twice by the porcine highway patrol. Using what must be considered either brilliant or pathetic in the extreme, the first officer who stopped us claimed that we shouldn’t be traveling in the right hand (passing) lane of the highway. What in the name of God’s creation to they create the two lanes for, I ask? He was happy to let of us with a gentle warning and relieve us of a negotiated 100 baht. “Keep left,” he uttered as we drove away. What’s more is that the police we’re positioned in a spot (in Thailand they don’t pull you over from behind, but rather stand in the middle of the road and wave you over) that isn’t far from an intersection, meaning that right turning cars would naturally turn into the right lane. The second swine snare – tis’ the swine that do the snaring, the public that is snared – we made through thanks to headlight flashing motorists traveling in the opposite direction that allowed me to pull into the non-bribery lane well in advance. We were stopped later and the officer almost had us on a registration violation for not displaying a sticker that lacked the very essence of its stickerness – adhesion, and thus was in our glove compartment. Not quick enough on his toes to manufacture any other porkpoop, the officer had to let us on our way.
In Thailand the police are simply the largest and best-organized criminal enterprise. Little more than highwaymen with uniforms, they have a military-like structure that means they answer to a central authority and not to local taxpayers. The only conciliation is that due to their meager salary, they are relatively inexpensive to payoff. One hundred baht is about two dollars and fifty cents US.

Rugrats

Sunday, June 05, 2005
A full day about to get underway – my weekends are decent with the exception of one kids’ class that is out of control. There are ten students aged six through ten (quite a spread) and several of them have zero attention span, consequently distracting the others and myself before we can even get underway. I have kind of given up on them, and though I am not proud to say it, I focus much more on crowd control than actual teaching. It fits really. Some parents drop their kids of at nine o’clock in the morning and pick them up mid-afternoon for a 10 to 12 lesson. If the term glorified babysitting was thrown around a lot in Nova (Japan) then I think we can drop the ‘glorified’ when talking about this set up.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Another day off finds me in the village of Nong Sao. I am starting to pick up a little Thai and Lao so my ability to interact is a fraction better than before. The talk of the day centered around the Miss Universe contest, which was held in Thailand this year. It’s a testament to what a globalized place the world has become when the water-cooler talk in fortune five hundred companies and the idle chatter of the idle villagers in rural Thailand is on the same topic. Now if we could distribute wealth as we do information…
In other news, I finally have several decent classes of students. Wow, what a difference. Being a teacher is akin to being a coach – good players (students) can make or break you. I’d like to think that I have enough skill to reach even those with less ability, but the job becomes so much more pleasant when working with self-motivated, intelligent individuals.